The ENERGY!!!!!!

Okay, so I went to this HUGE (enormous, fantastic, exciting, wonderful, perfect, uplifting, and amazing) conference this past weekend. The purpose of this conference was twofold. The first part was to celebrate the things the Baha'i community has done so far in the Five Year Plan, and the second was to make plans for continued growth and etc. for the next 2.5 years.

Yes, I'm paraphrasing.

The goals people made were at once inspiring, courageous, and full of love. I made some goals of my own for the next few months, and I feel that putting them here will help me keep them. If you notice me slipping, I'd appreciate a nudge now and then, eh? thanks.

Ok. Here goes.

*Assist the community in setting up a weekly or twice-monthly devotional gathering geared toward supporting the IPG starting soon on the other end of the state.

*Continue to put as much effort as possible into the Children's class and Junior Youth group - hopefully to see some growth.

*Finish books 4, 6, and 7 in the Ruhi sequence.

*Begin a highschool Ruhi 1 group in the second week of January.

*Arrange and facilitate Intensive animator training in NE-13 over my Spring/Easter breaks

*Home-front pioneer to NE-13 during the summer to assist them in their teaching efforts.

I think I got it all. I hope. Maybe. Allah-u-Abha!

"Be happy! Be happy! Be full of joy!" -'Abdu'l-Baha

It's So Easy.

It's so easy...

to make someone into a villain.

when they're not around.

Wouldn't you agree?

Of course you would.

You already did.

And I'm sorry for it.

Was your goal to hurt me?

Congratulations.

Success.

But you know what?

I'm at peace.

It's not my place to retaliate.

Because it'll come back to you.

I know it will.

God bless you.

You're in my prayers.

Always.

Reminisce with me, eh?

If anyone actually manages to read this entire post, I applaud you. Seriously. I get a lot of thoughts out through writing, so my writing may seem really self-centered, but when I write is really the only time I focus on what I'm feeling. I'm sorry.

I ate a Rolo today, for the first time in about seven years. Had a flashback.

And since that flashback I have categorically remembered several pieces of my life and pieced together an interesting timeline. It's strange how many astronomically different pieces already make up my life - and I'm only 15.

The Forgotten Era

Obviously, I don't really remember this time in my life. From infancy to around 3 years of age. The only things I know for sure are:

There was a BIG TV in our house. Or maybe it was a small TV that seemed big to a toddler.

I was a pretty, pretty little girl. (Who knows what happened, eh?)

My brother hated me.

I nearly died in a car accident with my father.

My brother convinced me to jump off the bed. In doing so, I hit my head on the dresser. I had 7 staples in my little-kid head. There's still a spider pattern on my head if you look through the hair. Pretty cool.

~~~

The Pain Era

Memories are still fuzzy here, but not as much. Age 4 to 7 years.

I won't go into much detail in this, suffice to say that I went through more physical pain during these years than at any other point in my life.

Oh. And I had an amazing first grade teacher.

The Safe Era

From age 8 to age 10.

Dramatic shifting...

Including no more pain, and starting puberty. Hooray for adolescence.

Put the dominant memory of that time is thinking over and over and over again, "no more pain."

This is when the Rolo memory happened. I was at the grocery stor with my father and we were at the check-out counter. I did what every little kid does - I begged for candy off the rack next to the checker. Usually he would say 'no' but that time he let me get a pack of Rolo. He shouldn't have, since even then I was supposed to be monitoring my sugar closely, but he did and there were no bad repercussions. It's just a small, happy memory of giggling with my dad and pulling one over on my mom ;) ... It was before dinner, too.

This was when my grades started picking up more and I started to realize that I could sort of do things...sort of. I started to realize I might actually come to do good things, be a good person.

Unfortunately, this was also the time I was most hurt by peers - reaching 'adolescence' to early, already being awkward and self-conscious, on top of being fragile and starting to learn about myself, I discovered how cruel children can be. But that's just life, eh?

This is the age where I wish my parents had exposed me more to athletics. I've noticed that the kids who grew up with athletics tend to be better at them. But hey, I may never have been good at sport, no matter about my parents. No use being sore about that, right?

The 11 Era

Obviously, this was when I was eleven years old. It gets its own spot on the timeline because of all the things that happened when I was that age. It's funny that the year I matured more than any other was just before I was a Baha'i...Hmm.

On my eleventh birthday, I made the first serious mistake I've ever made. That's a story that could make up an entire too-long blog post by itself. It was the first time my parents were seriously mad at me over something within my control. And boy, were they MAD. For about 6 months they hardly spoke to me, except to lecture me about what an idiot I was (am).

Thus, that year was when I really learned to fend for myself. I learned to cook for myself, to make sure I did my own homework, to find my own ride to school in the morning...the list goes on. Excepting working to monetarily support myself, this was the year where I became self-sufficient. I know some people seem to think I'm mature (don't ask me...) and this is probably the reason for it.

This is when I started developing strong morals. Being in sixth grade, basically the start of middle school, and without much parental support or guidance, I had to figure out for myself how to deal with the sudden pressure to date, smoke, drink, be popular...all of it. I had to figure out how to handle myself without falling into those traps.

It was a difficult but extremely rewarding year.

The Baha'i Era

12 to FOREVERRRRRRRR!!

I found the Baha'i Faith. Or rather, the Baha'i Faith found me.

Sometimes life is just sweet. So so sweet.

The ability to let go of material things...the ability to serve Him and to serve humanity! Oh wow.

I'd say my life turned 360, but it didn't. I wasn't necessarily a bad person up to the point when I joined the Faith, but ... my ability to fulfill the potential God gave me...has increased 100fold...

During this period of my life, right now, my family life is rocky at best...but that's okay. It really is. Because I have the Faith. And nothing else really matters more than that, you know?

I feel so much better now. Allah-u-abha!!

Love you! And YOU! Aaaaaand YOU too!

Need to Vent

I'm sorry in advance. This is a slightly bitter post. I'm just tired and angry - mostly at myself.
`

Everyone has a few people who impact us directly. These people are usually our parents/gaurdians, siblings, closest friends, religious leaders, and teachers/coworkers/bosses.

The thing is, I'm really tired of not being good enough - not for my teachers, sibling, friends, the kids in the children's classes/jr. youth group, the people who are relying on me...but most importantly, I'm not good enough for myself, my mother and my father.

I can't tell who has the highest expectations of me. But I seem to even fail the ones who want nothing!

Every week at least one of the youth tells me they don't want to come anymore, that they didn't enjoy themselves. I have trouble figuring out who's kidding and who's serious - a couple come only because their parents force them. My efforts don't seem to matter, whether I let it be spontaneous or whether I plan until my notes make me feel ill, it doesn't seem to be good enough.

My teachers should be the easiest to please - all they expect is for my work to be turned in. Oops, I messed that one up.

My parents are a different story entirely, I guess. They're the most challenging to please - in fact, I've never really managed it. Forever inadequate, unable to meet their demands, unable to perform as well as they expect.

And my poor brother. All he wants/expects is for someone to listen to him and encourage him. And by the time I get to him, I'm so angry and upset with myself for coninually failing that I get frustrated and snap at him. I love my brother, more than anything. I hate making him sad.

Mostly though, it's no one's fault but mine - I have the ability to do what's expected of me. If I didn't have the ability, why would anyone expect it?

I need to focus more on putting it in God's hands. All of it. All these worries and stresses and tests - I need to put them away so I can do what's needed. It's something I'm working toward.

But again, I'm falling short.

I love you, whoever you are.

"He maketh victorious whomsoever He pleaseth, through the potency of His behest."

Yay Done

Finished the painting. Or, as finished as I'm capable of getting. I know it could look better, but painting isn't my forte.
```

Title: y=mx+b
Artist: Cassandra



```

Yeah. And here are my hands. Yes, I paint with brushes. Yes, I have a tendency to ditch the brushes halfway through. Especially when I'm blending. My fingers work better.



```

Lots of love. Thanks to all who commented/offered advice - off the blog or on it :)

Work-in-Progress

So I'm making the switch for a moment. I'm a temporarily-satisfied type of person. Poetry made me happy for awhile, music made me happy for awhile, and now I'm on to painting. It's sort of a cycle.

Unfortunately, painting is what I'm least skilled at. So this is what I'm working on. It's going to be a gift for someone, so I don't want to make it bad...

It's only about halfway done, maybe two-thirds. So don't judge too harshly..

But I'm open to suggestions.

Basically: This friend and I are in Algebra 2, and we've both had to find ways to make math less mind-numbingly boring.

The message is "Use your imagination"...

Tell me what you think, eh?


Altogether:


The Earth and start of the arrow:



Desk to Earth..


Thought bubble!!



```

Umm. Yeah.

Schedule

In the next six days I will:

Go to school: 32 Hours

Practice for All-state: 3 Hours

Prep for Junior Youth: 2 Hours

Contact Junior Youth: 2 Hours

Homework: 5 Hours (at least)

All-State Tryouts: 2 Hours

Marching Competition: 7.5 Hours

Hold Junior Youth: 3 Hours (including set-up, etc)

Practice for Marching Band: 2 Hours

Attend a Devotional/Fireside: 3 Hours

Attend a Ruhi session: 2 Hours

Sleep: 48 Hours

Hold Children's Class: 2 Hours

Visit Children's Parents w/ Information: 2 Hours

Write an Informative Speech: 8 Hours

Cut a Serious Prose Speech: 4 Hours

Practice said Speeches: 4 Hours

Do Chores: 5 Hours

Create a flier for parents: 1 Hour

Set up a Fireside/Devotional for next Sunday: 4 Hours

Total: 141.5 Hours


Total Hours in 6 days: 144 Hours


Okay. So maybe I can cut back on sleep.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not whining. I mean, I love what I'm doing. I absolutely
love it. I can't remember a time when I've ever been happier. Seriously. But the thing is, my body doesn't really care if I'm happy. Notice I didn't include cooking and eating on that list? I have to do those things, but I can't find time. As I'm doing this, I'm also doing an assignment for Alg2 and trying to think of what I want on my sandwich for dinner.

Bottom line: My body is ceasing to function well. I can't do all of this and continue to work properly. I need a break really bad, but where in the world am I going to find the time?

I love you all so much. So very very much.

Updates

The CONFIRMATIONS:

We're in our fifth children's class, and our Jr. Youth group has met 4 times - service project next week!!

People who have never seemed to get along with me are down-right amiable for now. It's a pretty cool feeling.

My P.E. teacher is amazing. For that matter, almost all of my teachers are amazing. Seriously.

The new Baha'i youth around here is really great - learning and growing, just like all of us :)

I have many things to do. I take this as a confirmation because it means I'm not idle. I'm busy. I have work to do. And "Work done in the spirit of worship is service."

The TESTS:

Family life is strained. But who's isn't, right?

A friend is suffering. I'm doing my best to help her where I can. Sometimes empathy kind of stinks.

I feel overloaded. Despite the fact that my busy-ness is certainly a confirmation, parts of it definitely fit into the 'tests' category.

I'm missing people. Lonely again. But that's no big deal.

Band is really challenging my will to play. Bass clarinet is not as much fun to march with as Bb clarinet or Alto sax. But I'm getting a very strong trapezius.

The OTHER:

I'm writing as much as I can, but not sharing, because I'm not satisfied with the quality of the work.

It's been almost 4 months exactly since the death of a good friend.

I enjoy random rhyming.

I sing a lot.

And now I leave you with children in a tree.

Untitled

Inspired by a conversation with an awesome person named Anna.

~

This evening when I bow my head
I let the gentle winds take me away
and I fly to the only place
where I'm happy.

And as the breezes lift me up,
I feel my worries drifting off.
I let my hope become renewed
and I smile.

I don't know where this gust is taking me.
But I know there will be bliss soon.
So I bow my head this evening
and I trust.

This is my life, this wind I ride.
The only part that really counts.
I can feel myself soaring ever higher
because I love.

~

God Bless,
Cassandra

What Makes The World Go Round?

Wrote this as a short speech for a class. Prompt: "_______ Makes The World Go Round."

~

Approximately 4.6 billion years ago a luminary near our solar system was destroyed in a supernova. The resulting shock wave caused the Earth to begin circumvolving on its axis. According to Newton's first law of motion, an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force, usually friction. Because there is no friction in the vacuum of space to hinder or halt the Earth's rotation, it continues its constant, steady gyration to this day, hindered only by the slight friction caused by the revolution of our lunar satellite.
Just kidding.
But seriously, what makes our world go round? Some would say love. Some would say money. To me, one of the major things that affects us is tolerance. Tolerance makes our world go round.
Tolerance doesn't mean open-armed love. Tolerance means learning to accept people and things the way they are, even if we may not agree with them. Every single one of us has to tolerate people to some extent. For some, we have to suffer with having siblings. Some of us have trouble putting up with our parents. Even more of us can barely stand our classes or our teachers. We all try to tolerate things or people we may not want to.
But for some reason, on a worldwide scale, we can't seem to do this. The Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland have been warring for a long time. The middle east is constantly in a state of turmoil. Mass murder happens every single day – simply because people can't tolerate each other. If, on a worldwide scale, we could learn to simply “put up” with each other, the way we do our siblings, imagine how much better life would be! If we could find the same kind of fragile peace all over the world that we seem to have in our homes, schools, and towns, imagine how many lives would be saved! Imagine how many parents would be overjoyed just to have their children safe! Imagine how much easier it would be just to survive in a world where people could learn to tolerate one another.
Tolerance affects us all in a very real way. In fact, if we don't learn to tolerate one another, and learn to do it soon, we will destroy each other. It's inevitable. If you're following me here, you'll understand that learning tolerance isn't only what makes our world go round, it's the only way to make sure our world keeps going round.

Delete

A/N: This is almost a poem, but not quite. It's almost a stream of consciousness, but not quite. I like it, so I thought I'd share. It came about when I was failing in a poetry attempt.

Delete

My fingers hover on the key
Itching to delete.
Destroy these words I've put here
Erase the things I've written.
No one cares or wants to know
So why bother to keep them?
Delete these words that make no difference
The things that make me sad.
Remove the things that make me angry;
I won't be jealous or lonely anymore.
With just one keystroke...
Wipe it all away.

But that would be too simple, right?
I'd never learn or grow.
Is this life of mine worth living
if I forget all that I am?
So I won't press that key.
I won't destroy these words.
I'll retrace my steps and shape them.
Work to mold them into something more.
I'll have to strive...

Wouldn't it be something,
If our world had that key?
With one simple little motion,
We could delete so many things.
We could forget about the anger...
And we could stop the wars
We could put a halt on violence
and love each other as we should.
What if, with just one keystroke,
We could wipe it all away?

But that would be too simple, right?
We'd never learn or grow.
We've only got one world, my friends.
We've only got one chance to do this right.
We've got a Kingdom to build here.
And we've got to work to make it happen.
We have to strive.

~

First Children's class this Wednesday! Wish me luck!

~God Bless
Cassandra

i am a happy me

i am a happy me


i am a happy me
and sometimes it's not so easy
to be happy
when all the others just don't see

i am happy that you are you
no matter what you try to do
oh man, if only you knew
just how much i really love you

the life we have is just so great
that i really can't wait
for all the pain to abate
so we can get the good stuff straight

we can do some awesome things, my friend
but with all these problems we've got to mend
it's kind of hard to comprehend
what the world will look like in the end

~

God bless,
Cassandra

Orientation

I'll be in a new building for highschool this year. I've spent a lot of time in the building, so it's not REALLY new, but I went to the orientation today anyway.

I was sort of looking forward to it. I've changed a lot this summer and haven't had a chance to talk to several friends since the end of last semester. I was excited to see the people in my class with..."new eyes" I suppose.

But as soon as I got there and my peers started to show up, I wanted nothing more than to be anywhere except there. I was fairly desperate to get away; having trouble breathing. I've always had trouble in crowds, but this was different. It was not quite painful, just...I can't even explain. It felt like there was unbearable pressure on my chest and abdomen. I lost count of how many times I said "Remover of Difficulties" today.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. I hope I feel better on Monday, getting into the routine.

~God bless,
Cassandra

I'm not lazy, just busy.

So. It's been an interesting summer.

For the first month or so I went to work for my dad. It was very...interesting. I did things like:

Wired a new shed on a chicken farm.
Slogged through crude oil all day in 100+ heat.
Walked on many roofs.
Climbed many ladders.
Ran conduit in a Food Pride grocery store.
Fixed a well.
Delivered more conduit about 250 miles from my home.
Pulled thick Metal-clad cable through a 200' attic space.
Installed a new outlet in a "cat lady's" house.

The list could go on for awhile. Instead of boring you with that...

The next three weeks of my summer were spent in Indianapolis, Indiana with my extended family. I have pictures!

This is my uncle Jeff. I stayed with him, my aunt Dawn, and their six kids. He's in "business mode" here.

My cousin Becca is thirteen. My cousin Amber is nine. Amber is the spitting image of me six years ago. It's kind of creepy. But I love these girls so much! :)


Come on. Who doesn't want to see the Hard Rock Cafe?


Here's a blurry picture of one of my paintings. I picked up painting about six months ago, maybe a little less. This is my uncle's guitar.


I enjoy this picture a lot. I'm riding in a convertible mustang here, taking a picture of the side-view mirror. Why does the sky in the mirror look bright and sunny, while around the car it looks pitch dark? Portal to another world, anyone?

Yesterday I just got home from my third and most exciting adventure of the summer. I went to the Great Plains Baha'i Summer School, then stayed in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area for two or three weeks. In that time, I completed three books in the Ruhi sequence, assisted in direct teaching in an IPG, saw a major-league baseball game, lived with two families, spent an evening with an awesome guy named Justin at a fair, and attended a weekend-long Animator Training intensive...It was crazy. It was amazing. Thank you Jen and Alicia and Laura and Joanne and...and...and everyone else!

I'll try not to be so infrequent about posting. Sorry. Have a nice year-start, everyone.

Sad Poem

Untitled
Cassandra

When I see you in the hall
I feel warm inside.
When I see your grades are passing,
my heart fills up with pride.

Every time I talk to you
you're sure to make me smile.
Just to see you laughing
makes my day worthwhile.

I tell you that I love you.
I say it every day.
You know how much I care
More than I could say.

You matter to me, friend.
Without you, my days are sad.
If you need someone to lean on,
you know that I'd be glad.

Then I see the marks
you strive so hard to hide.
dark red, bloody testaments
to the pain you lock inside.

I can't say how much it hurts me
To see this hurt in you.
I've cried for you so many times
Is there nothing I can do?

I know the money's tight.
I know the home life's rough.
I know you're having trouble.
And you're trying to be tough.

You're too beautiful to be here.
You're too wonderful for this.
You're too loving to be hurting.
Please climb out of this abyss.

Don't hurt yourself, my little friend.
Claw out of this cage in which you dwell.
Don't hurt yourself, my little friend.
Because you're hurting me as well.

~

Ahhhhhhhh!!!

Hee! The poem below 'The Price Of Fear' that I entered in a contest was chosen for publication!

Now I'm in the finals for a national competition =)

I haven't checked the website yet, but it's

Allah-u-abha!

Okay, I've been writing a lot of random poetry lately.

I submitted this to the local newspaper. Tell me if it's not completely true:

'TWAS THE HOUR OF MATH CLASS - A PARODY
Cassandra

'Twas the hour of Math Class -- that time we all dread;
The kids sitting weary, wish they were in bed.
In comes the teacher, they open their books.
Miss X turns her back, they shoot dirty looks.

She writes the equation, they feel their heads spin.
As she turns back to face them, they nod and they grin.
Our mode of defense, when Miss X looks at us:
Pretend that we know, there's no need to discuss!

Just try to get through, that's the general thought.
Smart kid in the front...lookin' way too distraught.
Just chill and relax, Thou art greater than I.
You know what you're doing, there's no need to cry!

'Do you have a question?' She asks with a smile.
She shifts on her feet, just stands for awhile.
No one asks questions in the middle school years...
What would our peers say? The root of our fears.

They stare at the clock, watching Math hour pass
Miss X must not notice, when their eyes turn to glass.
The time ticks away, moving slower each round
There's one final minute, then the bell's welcome sound.

They jump to their feet, books tucked under their arm.
They have been waiting for that fateful alarm.
Out into the hall, they're moving so fast.
With a whoop they all shout, “Freedom at LAST!”

~~

I submitted this to a national poetry contest:

THE PRICE OF FEAR
Cassandra

Darkness falling swallows light.
Pain and anger,
fast and bright.
All love destroyed as Darkness falls,
The dearest cost
was paid tonight.
A tear escapes
a mother's eye.
For this world's plight,
her son has died.
As Darkness falls, a strangled cry.
If this is fair,
then tell me why.
Explain to me.
Can this be right?
As darkness fell, that evil night,
how many died,
for human fright?
For war we die.
For war we fight.
How many more will die tonight?

~~

This was a "Favorite Snacks" Journal for English class. I twisted it...It's half-rap, half-nonsense-poem:

SNACK RAP
Cassandra

Bit 'o Honey, bite of bacon, bun bar, bubble gum.
Grab your money, have some fun! Get more, say YUM!
Caramello, cherry mash, chick-o-stick, clark bar.
Say hello, scarf some hash, catch a flick, that's bizarre!
Milk 'n' honey, mallo cup, mountain cherry, macaroons.
Don't be funny, give it up. Your face should vary, like the moon's.
Pickled feet, pepperoni, popcorn, pretzel sticks.
Something sweet, macaroni, I should warn, those are Nick's.
Salsa chips, snickers bars, sandwiches, sugar lumps.
Open lips, eat what's ours, a nose twitches, someone jumps!
Watermelon, whatchamacallit, wintergreen, wonder bread.
You're excellin', gotta admit, you lucky teen, just stay well-fed.
With all this food, how can you pick?
Come on, dude! I couldn't stick.
Change it up, try beans and ketchup!
Why not? Just give it a shot.
Lots to choose, and nothin' to lose.

~~

I wrote this for ... nothing. It's not all that good, and is really repetitive, but I actually like it a lot.

BEAUTIFUL TERRIBLE
Cassandra

Beautiful, beautiful
people around me!
Beautiful, Beautiful
wonders to see.

Beautiful, beautiful
Time stretches forward.
Beautiful, beautiful
flying so free!

Beautiful, beautiful
family and friendship
Beautiful, beautiful
living to be.

Hideous, Hideous
Anger and hate.
Hideous, Hideous
Running from fate.

Hideous, Hideous
Time's frozen still.
Hideous, Hideous
Pain won't abate.

Hideous, Hideous
Cold and alone
Hideous, Hideous
Dying; too late.

Beautiful, Hideous
Living this way.
Beautiful, Hideous
wasting away.

Beautiful, Hideous
Under the shell
Beautiful, Hideous
running astray.

Beautiful, Hideous
never give up..
Beautiful, Hideous
savor this day.

Beautiful, beautiful
Hideous, Hideous
Life

~~

Since I can almost see you falling asleep, I'll stop here. Thanks for reading...and I really would appreciate feedback on these.

~Peace be with you
Cassandra