Need to Vent

I'm sorry in advance. This is a slightly bitter post. I'm just tired and angry - mostly at myself.
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Everyone has a few people who impact us directly. These people are usually our parents/gaurdians, siblings, closest friends, religious leaders, and teachers/coworkers/bosses.

The thing is, I'm really tired of not being good enough - not for my teachers, sibling, friends, the kids in the children's classes/jr. youth group, the people who are relying on me...but most importantly, I'm not good enough for myself, my mother and my father.

I can't tell who has the highest expectations of me. But I seem to even fail the ones who want nothing!

Every week at least one of the youth tells me they don't want to come anymore, that they didn't enjoy themselves. I have trouble figuring out who's kidding and who's serious - a couple come only because their parents force them. My efforts don't seem to matter, whether I let it be spontaneous or whether I plan until my notes make me feel ill, it doesn't seem to be good enough.

My teachers should be the easiest to please - all they expect is for my work to be turned in. Oops, I messed that one up.

My parents are a different story entirely, I guess. They're the most challenging to please - in fact, I've never really managed it. Forever inadequate, unable to meet their demands, unable to perform as well as they expect.

And my poor brother. All he wants/expects is for someone to listen to him and encourage him. And by the time I get to him, I'm so angry and upset with myself for coninually failing that I get frustrated and snap at him. I love my brother, more than anything. I hate making him sad.

Mostly though, it's no one's fault but mine - I have the ability to do what's expected of me. If I didn't have the ability, why would anyone expect it?

I need to focus more on putting it in God's hands. All of it. All these worries and stresses and tests - I need to put them away so I can do what's needed. It's something I'm working toward.

But again, I'm falling short.

I love you, whoever you are.

"He maketh victorious whomsoever He pleaseth, through the potency of His behest."