Losing it?

This probably won't make much sense. Stream of consciousness here. Bear with me...

I feel like I'm losing it. There's no real explanation. I'm crying a lot and just...out of it all. I feel like life in general just got about ten times harder to deal with, even though I know it didn't.

I try really hard...so hard to be nice. I try to be kind to everyone. I try to love everyone. I think I'm failing. I get snarled at a lot...I'm having trouble being kind. I mean, I'll say something cruel and catch it after I've said it. Then I'll punish myself for it.

The last time I tore myself up, it was pretty bad. I was crying...I'd said something horrible. My dad told me that I was the only one who expected me to be so good all the time, and that I should ease up.

Okay, I don't know about that. I might be the only person who expects me to be good...bu God wants me to as well, so it can't be pointless. I know I have to accept that I make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. But it only takes one "mistake" to close someone's heart off from me. If I say one wrong thing to one wrong person at one wrong time, I've just ruined a chance at spreading the Word.

So, I accept mistakes, right? Everyone makes mistakes. But I can't just accept them, because too many mistakes and I've ruined something that could be great. What do you think?

Sorry for rambling. Figured I have to put it out there.

Once upon a Time...

A girl sat, bleary eyed, staring at her monitor. A half-finished report flickered on the screen. A stack of homework teetered precariously on the arm of the couch, next to her. She'd been working all day, an entire Sunday wasted, and hadn't seemed to get anywhere at all.



With a huff, she pushed away from her computer screen, pulled on a sweater, ran outside and jumped on her bike. She HAD to get away. The bag she'd thought to bring with her carried a change of clothes. Maybe she'd just ride to the monument and spend a night with the crickets. She was so, so tired of this place, of this life.

Suddenly...she couldn't explain it, but on her way out to the Monument, she was drawn onto the tree-lined path that lead into the cemetary. She hadn't intended to go there, but something made her turn her bike to the left.


She didn't know what was happening. Her bike seemed almost to steer itself, further and further into the cemetary. She'd never been in this part. Great-gramma Fern was buried waaaaay over there. When her breath started to come in short, pained gasps, she stopped and looked around. The sunset was absolutely breathtaking. Scanning the graves, a name made her stop. The headstone itself looked ancient and ragged. Inman. Inman? Gloria Inman...Where had she heard that name before? Digging deep, it clicked. Great-grandma Fern's grandma. Would that make her my great-great-great-grandma? Wow. Five generations back. All of her roots were in this place, in this town.


She knew there was a reason she'd been shown this. She needed a reminder, that this was her home. This is where she is needed. No matter how eager she is to get away, to move on, to do more...this is her home.

Children's Classes!

Today we had a really fantastic Children's Class. I love being a of the classes so, so much! I don't know wha I'm going to do later this year...
These kids are totally a light in my week. I love being with them, playing with them...I look forward to my Saturdays.

However...Speech team starts up this week and from about mid-November through mid-March, there are meets almost every single Saturday. They last all day.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't teach. The Children's Classes have been an integral part of my life for the last few years. I can't even imagine just NOT doing them.

Speech is just about the only Extra-curric activity I'm capable of doing. It's pretty much the only thing I might be any good at...

I want to do Speech badly. I love these kids. What do I do now?

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Is there any Remover of difficulties save God? Say: Praised be God! He is God! All are His servants, and all abide by His bidding.

~The Bab

Interesting?

I'm in a World Geography class, which I really am enjoying.

Right now we're studying the Middle East. I have to write a report on it, 1 - 2 pages typed and double spaced (grr). And Mister Clark warned me not to write about the start of the Baha'i Faith if I wanted a good grade. BLEH! Now what am I supposed to write?

I think I'll write on Acre. Ancient prison cities are always fun to write about, don't you think? The only problem would be fitting it into two pages...Hm.

Anyway, that's not the topic of this post.

Today in my W.G. class we watched this video that was very cool. I'd have thought it to be a Baha'i film, aside from the fact that they didn't include the Faith.

This film focused on each o the major religions in turn. I think it included Buhddism, Hinduism, Zorastrian, Christianity (and its many demoninations, Islam, Judaism, and Sikhism.

What was so cool? They were talking about the similarities instead of the differences! Aggh it was great. The movie showed the quote from each of those Religions that stated...well, basically the golden rule. They also talked about how they all had such similar values and were monotheistic.

See? See!? They see it! It's not just the Baha'is. Maybe the world is starting on its path to a brighter future. Maybe not. But I have hope!

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"Blessed is he who preferreth his brother before himself." ~ Baha'u'llah

"Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." ~ Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 22:39; Mark 12:31; Luke 10:27; Romans 13:9; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8


"Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful." ~ Udana-Varga 5:18

"Do not unto others what you would not have them do unto you." ~ Analects 15:23

"No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself."
~ Sunnab

"All things are our relatives; what we do to everything, we do to ourselves. All is really One."
~ Black Elk

"Whatever is disagreeable to yourself do not do unto others." ~ Shayast-na-Shayast 13:2

(pulled off of...http://www.angelfire.com/tx6/desertwind/rule.html)

Ten Things I Like About Me

Talieh tagged me...This will be hard for me. Give it a shot, huh?

1) I love my ability to get along with my brother. Honestly, how many little sisters will tell you that their big bro is probably their best friend? My brother's spirit, humor, and individuality keep me sane sometimes.

2) This is going to sound odd, but I love just being me! I love that I can keep to my personality, whether I'm in a group of friends, family, Baha'is, adults, or little kids. The way I talk, my opinions, my thoughts and patterns don't change. I think it makes me predictable, or at least easier to be around.

3) I like the way I can tell a story and watch a kid's eyes light up with interest. It's a talent I only started developing a few months ago, but I love it. I love watching a child learn something, and want to learn it.

4) I have to agree with Talieh...I love that I'm a Baha'i. 'nuff said...

5) I like that I'm willing to try most anything at least once. Whether it be food, singing, Speech team, teaching...I like that just because they scare me and I may not be good enough at them, I'll always try.

6) I like that people see me as responsible. I don't ever have to say that I am a responsible, people will automatically ask me to watch their kid, or run something to the post office for them. It makes me smile to know that I'm trusted.

7) I like that I can cook! Not many people my age can cook for their family. I have my mom to thank for that.

8) Now for the really superficial one. I like my eyes. They're a pretty unique color, and my lashes are long enough that I won't ever need mascara. Hooray for my best facial feature being hidden behind glasses!

9) I love that I'm decent with musical instruments. Everything I've tried, I've been able to pick up pretty quickly. I can't sing worth a dime, but I love music. I'm glad I can express that some way.

10) Finally, I like that while there are people who won't say they like me, there aren't really people who dislike me. At least not openly. It's pretty cool to know most everyone is at ease with you.

I think I got them all, unless I miscounted. I don't really have anyone to tag.

Failure?

Okay, today we had our first Children's Class of the year. It went okay.

Low points: I didn't do so well. I haven't done so well lately, as a teacher. I'm stumbling over my words and not able to really catch attention without saying something wrong. I love teaching, I love the kids. I guess I just need more practice?

High points: Marilyn and Paul were great! The kids learned how to use a GPS, and Marilyn was fantastic talking about distinction. They listened fairly well when I had to tell a story...

I think the highest point was just getting to see the kids and play with them again. I miss them so much when I don't get to see them.

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Aside from the class...

We have two seekers in in town! yes! New interest is always awesome! I only wish we could get some youth interest. But I suppose that's my job at the moment, huh? *nudges Keaton*

Er, I'm doing really well so far as a highschooler. My English teacher loves me to bits. She's having me write for national contests and such. Exciting, nerve-racking stuff!

My brother crashed his car. He hit a parked car, moving 15 m/h. That was an interesting evening. He works at McDonald's now. 30 hours per week, plus school. I don't know when he sleeps. It's not very often.

Jr. Youth starts next week, wish me LUCK!

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"Oh God! guide me, protect me, illumine the lamp of my heart, and make me a brilliant star. Thou art the mighty and the powerful." ~'Abdu'l-Baha

Avoidance!

I've been avoiding updating this for way too long. I don't like writing about myself much.

Okay...I don't know what to write. I could put a lot of things down here, but picking the most interesting/important is hard. There isn't really anything interesting to write.

I'm about to start highschool. Ninth grade...fun...Errm...yeah. The school system is starting a new program this year. Ninth graders aren't a part of the Junior High, or the Highschool. We're now a completely seperate school -- the Freshman Academy.

All that means is...we're seperated and put in one small part of the Jr. High building and put on Block Schedules...Oh, and look! We get our own door! There's even a sign. Yippeeeee...

I'm trying to get a job at the local bakery...Hopefully I'll find out about that soon. If I don't get one there, next I'll try the Heritage Rest Home...they're looking for cooks/cleaners.

In the next few weeks I'll be starting the Ruhi sequence with a lady named Suzanne. Yay!

Children's Classes start up again sometime in the next month! :) The problem is, both of the jobs that are open for me right now will overlap with the children's classes...So I don't know what I am going to do...

Basically, the results of this year's schedule for me will be...exhaustion and happiness...hopefully I'll be happy enough that being tired all the time won't matter so much?

Oh, and my Grandpa lived.

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O Lord! Make this youth radiant, and confer Thy bounty upon this poor creature. Bestow upon him knowledge, grant him added strength at the break of every morn and guard him within the shelter of Thy protection so that he may be freed from error, may devote himself to the service of Thy Cause, may guide the wayward, lead the hapless, free the captives and awaken the heedless, that all may be blessed with Thy remembrance and praise. Thou art the Mighty and the Powerful.

-'Abdu'l-Baha